I Dreamed a Dream

There exists a paradox that seems errant at best - when you reject the seemingly good things that come your way, and yet long for the bad that will undoubtedly serve no productive purpose. Isn't that just messed up?

I find myself in a constant state of immaturity. Sometimes it's a matter of realizing the error of my ways slightly after the fact, but on occasion, the thought does occur to me in the midst of the wrong. The test, though, is what I end up choosing to do. I feel like the kids I used to counsel. It's just too easy to live in the pleasure of today, even if tomorrow brings pain.

But I suppose that knowing is half the battle. So am I halfway there?

Angel

Have you ever felt used? I'm not sure used is the best word to describe the unequal, seemingly unfair sense of give and take I perceive, but to some degree, that's how I feel. It's relatively easy for me to have an attitude of indebtedness to those around me, probably because I am lucky to fraternize with generous friends. They not only share their material treasures (especially the edible sort), but they also parcel out their precious time and help to me. I could never do enough to repay their magnanimity. But it's the ones who seem to solicit my attention, company, and friendship when it's convenient to them who bewilder me. In ages past, they have earned my trust and love, so when they are in need or are simply in the mood to hang out, I'm there. But those occasions inevitably pass, and I am left by the wayside. Past, positive events beckon me to go back to them when those periods of silence vanish, only to wait for the cold shoulder to resurface.

Ultimately, I am motivated by my love for my friends, to love and love some more even if the affection is mitigated upon return. But I am...so tired of the straight line.