More Than Fine

Have you ever asked someone how they're doing, but tossed back at you is an insincere "fine"? This isn't delivered with any kind of malice; you just get the feeling that there is more going on underneath the claim of normalcy. Well I'm here to break the mold and profess that I ain't fine. Perhaps the offshift hours have finally taken their toll or I've finally reached the limits of my so-called relational agility, but staring at the ceiling seems to be a part of my nightly routine these days. Just wishing that they would leave me alone probably isn't the best of options, but secretly, I hope for that. It feels wrong to "wish them away", but helplessness can often lead me to desperate, not so realistic thoughts.

In this life, there will be trials. But is there never to be reprieve, if only for a moment? I think I got a tiny taste of fleeting happiness on Sunday afternoon, when I shot a 37 on the front nine at Deep Cliff. A birdie, along with setting myself up for a handful of pars definitely helped. I can't say my back nine was as good, but for a combined personal best of 79, it was a good day of golf for me. But then coming into the clubhouse, life came back into focus, and once again, its pressures bore down without mercy.

Fortunately for me, God reminded me that He has invited me to share in His joy. Truly, His mercies are new every morning, even after losing in a staring contest with my vaulted ceiling. It's an interesting cycle to experience - bringing stress to bed, only to cast them on my Savior so the morning is new and less burdensome. I hope the load gets lighter with every night of rest; I'll let you know if it's true when I can begin to lift it on my own. Or maybe I'll just let Him carry it until it's gone. My back will thank Him for it.

What's your sleep number?

Sunday

Huddled together under the sparse shade of the surprisingly less than adequate umbrella (certainly Starbucks could spring for larger patio furniture), we laughed and lamented the impending start of the new school year. Grateful to be immune to the fall's back to school anxiety, my happy go lucky attitude turned into a bit of amazement, both in a good and somewhat regretful way. I was a bit awe struck thinking about what would motivate adolescents to want to hang out with not-as-hip adults. Could it be the free algebra tutoring? Or how about the free pass to hide behind the sound board during service? Oh I know. It's the free rides around town when the parents can't play chauffeur. Well, whatever the reason, I guess the Lord makes us relational in ways we don't always deem "expected".

But what struck me more was an unexpected sadness that the grande Frappachinos and Chai teas (which Kamala's mom mistakenly orders as "tai chi") we were clutching were the primary drivers for my challenge to spend a daily five minutes with God for a week. The Type A-er in me wanted to see change - that those five minutes of fellowship would spur them onto a desire to give that time to God without any external motivation. I wanted to hear that their times were so good that five extended into ten, and the value of being in the Lord's company was well worth the investment. But I suppose I should leave the growth part to God. In the meantime, I'll keep watering, even if it is with hot white chocolate.

Nothing’s sacred, the days are cheap
Truth is thin on the ground
Still our prophets are crucified
Nobody believes we’re stumbling
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming

Someone’s saying a prayer tonight
For hungry mouths to be filled
Someone kneels in the dark somewhere
And darkness is already crumbling
It’s Friday, but Sunday comes

(Chorus) Sunday – Hallelujah – it’s not so far, it’s not so far away
Sunday – Hallelujah – it’s not so far, it’s not so far away

Broken promises, weary hearts
But one promise remains: Crucified, he will come again
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming
It’s Friday, but Sunday comes (Chorus)

Darkness is already crumbling
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming

Just for the record, I don't think teenagers should be allowed to drink coffee. There, I said it.

Fear

Coming to a threeway intersection on the way to the next tee box, I was practically thrown out of the cart when my driver slammed on the brakes (whiplash hardly begins to describe what I experienced with all the rather abrupt stopping that afternoon). A right turn would turn us uphill into a wooded area. A left turn carried us down into an equally wooded unknown. And going straight invited us to bump on down a pothole riddled, narrow path just wide enough to squeeze us through. Of course, no tee box to be seen from where we sat. But how can I know what will happen if we choose to veer right, towards the shaded, less paved path? Is there enough room up there to make a U-turn? If only course knowledge came with a paid green fee.

Will I carry regret with me for years to come if I say no? How will he feel if I take steps this way instead of that way? How will she treat me if I do invest that time for that particular thing? There is always risk involved when a decision cannot be calculated or extrapolated, without that valuable course knowledge. And sometimes that risk brings fear...fear of the unknown. But if we never move, how do we ever get anywhere? How can I ever get to the next tee box?

When you do what you know is true, things get clearer. When you don't do what you know is true, what you don't know paralyzes you.

This statement struck me enough to cause me to risk my life, fumbling to find a pen to write down the nugget of truth on the remnant of a Post-It while I drove to my dental appointment. When I don't stand on the rock of truth, I cannot budge. Fear grips me to waver and even avoid the issue. But how I am fueled with confidence when my faith in God cements truth behind my actions. I have no need to doubt, no need to regret, no need to weigh the dissenting opinions of those who find it necessary to voice their thoughts.

And so I listen and look intently for God's leading, letting faith be the data I rest on to inch my lead feet forward with itty bitty nudges that grow bigger with that faith. Can't wait to dance with God!