Inside Out

It finally happened. Abigail peed on me while I was changing her diaper. I never thought it would happen, since she's a girl for one, but also because I just thought it wouldn't happen to me. Four months have disappeared quicker than the day can drag on. I don't know if that makes an iota of sense, but to moms who stay home, I'm pretty sure it resonates with them.

This week I have had to face the reality of ceasing to nurse my little one. Somehow my body decided it was time to stop, even though my heart is not ready. For the past week, I've been in denial, drinking liters of water, popping Fenugreek like it was candy, and having a frustratingly hungry little girl try to squeeze a few drops out before feedings. It is time to face the proverbial facts. Although I have had more than 10 weeks of beautiful bonding with Abby, I am struck hard by grief. Having her look up at me with those intriguing, insatiable eyes while she fed on what little sustenance my body could muster up, stirred an enveloping warmth that emanated from my heart to the tips of my fingers and toes. This was solely mine to give her, something no one else could. In my head, I know that she will still be nourished by other means, but in my heart, there's a feeling of loss.

And now I am suddenly transfixed by a worshipful melody that speaks so privately to me. It's as if my Lord has taken my head in both His hands as He looks lovingly into my own intriguing, insatiable eyes. And without a word, He wants to give me peace. He brings me back to a fond memory on day four when I was filled with sorrow, with tears flowing down my cheek, crying out to Him for mercy. When suddenly a miniature hand reached up and began to stroke my chin, as if to say, "it's okay, mama, it'll be okay."

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out.

How loving a father, my Father is.

I Can See Clearly Now

Before Abby invaded our lives, I was given some advice I reflexively agreed with in my heart but did not play out practically in my head. My experientially wise friend told me I needed to keep my husband first before my child. I nodded without hesitation when she emphatically insisted in earnest while looking me straight in the eyes. As if I hadn't heard her the first time, she repeated, "No really, you need to put him first." I got it, sistah; heard you the first time!

Apparently I didn't really hear her...both times.

For those of you who wear spectacles, do you remember the first time you donned those world opening, nerd goggles? I recall how vividly I could see each leaf on the trees we drove past on upstate NY's highways. That's what it's like when I look back in retrospect. Ah, clarity! Too bad it often takes me a moment too long to get the truth into focus.

When I think about the two, earth-shattering fights my husband and I chose to partake in, the two reasons for our emotionally charged outburts seem to turn around and mock me with arms akimbo: cloth diapers and whether to soothe a crying baby at 3am. The details of those arguments now allude me (or at least it's my desire not to remember them), but what strikes me most are the feelings of being misunderstood. I can only speak from down in my bunker that I could not understand why he couldn't see my perspective. I felt like I wasn't being heard. I felt attacked. I felt betrayed! I, I, I! It was so simple. I waded waist deep in selfishness like I was wrapped in a warm blanket on a chilly Saturday morning not wanting to dip my toes into the cold sea of the wood floor. Why can't I help myself? Sigh.

How does God love each of us so completely? Afterall, there are so many of us. I'm just trying to love two people, each like he and she are the king and queen of my world. But I find sometimes I inadvertantly choose one over the other...and of course, at the wrong times.

I'm looking for some tips on how to love better, God. Got any to share?