Before Abby invaded our lives, I was given some advice I reflexively agreed with in my heart but did not play out practically in my head. My experientially wise friend told me I needed to keep my husband first before my child. I nodded without hesitation when she emphatically insisted in earnest while looking me straight in the eyes. As if I hadn't heard her the first time, she repeated, "No really, you need to put him first." I got it, sistah; heard you the first time!
Apparently I didn't really hear her...both times.
For those of you who wear spectacles, do you remember the first time you donned those world opening, nerd goggles? I recall how vividly I could see each leaf on the trees we drove past on upstate NY's highways. That's what it's like when I look back in retrospect. Ah, clarity! Too bad it often takes me a moment too long to get the truth into focus.
When I think about the two, earth-shattering fights my husband and I chose to partake in, the two reasons for our emotionally charged outburts seem to turn around and mock me with arms akimbo: cloth diapers and whether to soothe a crying baby at 3am. The details of those arguments now allude me (or at least it's my desire not to remember them), but what strikes me most are the feelings of being misunderstood. I can only speak from down in my bunker that I could not understand why he couldn't see my perspective. I felt like I wasn't being heard. I felt attacked. I felt betrayed! I, I, I! It was so simple. I waded waist deep in selfishness like I was wrapped in a warm blanket on a chilly Saturday morning not wanting to dip my toes into the cold sea of the wood floor. Why can't I help myself? Sigh.
How does God love each of us so completely? Afterall, there are so many of us. I'm just trying to love two people, each like he and she are the king and queen of my world. But I find sometimes I inadvertantly choose one over the other...and of course, at the wrong times.
I'm looking for some tips on how to love better, God. Got any to share?
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