Inside Out

It finally happened. Abigail peed on me while I was changing her diaper. I never thought it would happen, since she's a girl for one, but also because I just thought it wouldn't happen to me. Four months have disappeared quicker than the day can drag on. I don't know if that makes an iota of sense, but to moms who stay home, I'm pretty sure it resonates with them.

This week I have had to face the reality of ceasing to nurse my little one. Somehow my body decided it was time to stop, even though my heart is not ready. For the past week, I've been in denial, drinking liters of water, popping Fenugreek like it was candy, and having a frustratingly hungry little girl try to squeeze a few drops out before feedings. It is time to face the proverbial facts. Although I have had more than 10 weeks of beautiful bonding with Abby, I am struck hard by grief. Having her look up at me with those intriguing, insatiable eyes while she fed on what little sustenance my body could muster up, stirred an enveloping warmth that emanated from my heart to the tips of my fingers and toes. This was solely mine to give her, something no one else could. In my head, I know that she will still be nourished by other means, but in my heart, there's a feeling of loss.

And now I am suddenly transfixed by a worshipful melody that speaks so privately to me. It's as if my Lord has taken my head in both His hands as He looks lovingly into my own intriguing, insatiable eyes. And without a word, He wants to give me peace. He brings me back to a fond memory on day four when I was filled with sorrow, with tears flowing down my cheek, crying out to Him for mercy. When suddenly a miniature hand reached up and began to stroke my chin, as if to say, "it's okay, mama, it'll be okay."

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out.

How loving a father, my Father is.