She Will Be Loved

"Always the friend, never the girlfriend." Fortunately, I can't speak from personal experience. An old friend dropped me a line recently and asked why she constantly goes through this cycle of befriending guys only to have her heart broken when the guy's eyes divert to another girl. My heart goes out to her. Rejection is hard, but rejection when there is hope is painful. So I had to go to the source; I asked a guy. What are the signs we gals should look for in drawing boundaries so we can protect our fragile, easily misguided hearts from taking a beating? If you guys don't make a move in a few months, then we should finish building that fence.

But then the age old question still exists. What exactly are you guys looking for? The conclusion to this complex problem seems too simple. If you ain't got the looks, you gotta make up for it in personality. Overly simplistic? I hate to say it, but we gals agree. Well at least this one does. However, we tend to word it more eloquently, as to give it more substance. Eye candy is nice, but we are definitely aware that the lollipop doesn't last forever. So we look for character, for a good heart, and for money...oh wait, that's not it. Let me try that again. It's the kind part of your heart we're aiming to find. Once we find it, everything else falls into place. You become good looking, fun, and what we WANT. So we invest in our friendship with you to seek out that good heart, but therein lies the danger that we might fall into the vicious cycle again.

"Always the bridesmaid, never the bride." Can't say that's any better, but that's another story.

It Ain't Enough

Yesterday was a day of humility. My so called "golf game" brought me to my knees, 'cause no part of it seemed to work. But surprisingly, there wasn't a hole bad enough to ruin my chipper mood. The sun was shining, I was having a great time with friends, we had course-side seats to the 18th Annual Bridge School concert (Paul McCartney), and once every three or four holes, I would rip a nice drive (keep in mind this is relative) off the tee. Guess that's what they say keeps you coming back for more, and in my case, coming back later this week! I wonder when the novelty of this sport will wear off.

In the evening, I enjoyed one of my favorite dinnertime "events" - huo guo. My stomach is like a bottomless pit when it comes to hot pot, but apparently my colon didn't appreciate the overstuffing, sausage-like experience. You know, you can only stuff a sausage so much. And once you've reached maximum capacity, the stuffing has to go somewhere. I'll leave the imagery at that.

In all this, I remembered that my whole life seems to reflect God's plan to humble me. I think I was born way up on a self-built mountain, and little by little, He's knocked rocks out from under me. It's been a chain of trials marked by a record of survival that can only be attributed to His mercy. Pain is simply an element of daily life that causes me to be more dependent on Him.

In the meantime, there's golf and tennis. Who's up for a round?

White Flag

Started work this morning from my toasty bed at the ripe ol' hour of 4am. Extrusion was having trouble running a product we rarely make. I tried my best to clearly verbalize what I knew in my head needed to be done. Turn this knob, speed this up, pull this out. I was surprised at how incoherent I was for the first few minutes. Looking back, I can imagine how garbled I must have sounded in my half unconscious state. But even though I was disturbed from my slumber, I really wanted to get this product running again. It didn't take long, however, for me to realize that Pete was determined to shut the line down and cruise through the rest of his shift. My attempts to deter his "easy money" plans were fruitless.

So why even call? Why disrupt my much needed beauty rest? Why ask for help when he had no intention of implementing the solution? Unless I drove to work and ran the extruder myself, there would be no product going out the back door on grave. My everyday seems to be filled with these futile attempts at fixing problems. This used to be incredibly aggravating, but now I just throw my hands up and laugh. If they didn't pay me to work, I would have given up long time ago.

So nevermind the plans, the countless hours of working towards the better, and hoping and believing that progress can be made. I am too weak to push anymore. Congratulations, world; you win. I lose.

Psalm 25:16-18

Regret

Over the weekend, it took me the good part of an hour to hang Christmas lights. Christmas lights in October, you ask? My patio has been in dire need of additional lighting, and I figured these lights could add a festive appeal to my otherwise dreary cement slabbed "yard". I had my doubts that tiny quarter inch squares of velcro could anchor the weight of the bulbs, but after failing miserably with double sided adhesive tape and refusing to drill holes in the awning, velcro was going to work, darn it. I moved the heavy mirror closet door aside, which has called the patio home for a few too many weeks now, and reached way down to give my new lights electric life. Ta da! Nothing. Each bulb could have lit on fire, and I woudn't have known it, 'cause the bright sunlight overshadowed all other feeble attempts at emitting light. I had to wait until dark to see if my efforts were in vain.

That night, I had an audience in my brother to whom I could unveil the colorful new outside decor. We plugged that sucker in, and all but one red bulb did their job. A small setback, but not enough to burst my bubble. My brother re-installed the lone infidel and we gave it another whirl. BINGO. For the past few days, coming home and catching a glimpse of those lights has made me crack a smile just before entering my home.

So how is it that a realist (okay, I'm a pessimist, who am I trying to kid?) can muster enough out of character juice to string a few strands of hope together and then hang the better part of her life on it? Is it because all other efforts to find happiness have failed? No. Is it because I've been deluded into banking my future on futile investments? Gosh I hope not; I'd like to think I do my fair share of homework. Is it because others have taken advantage of my naïveté and taken me for a ride? I'd like to think I'm a decent judge of character. Maybe I'm not as much of a realist than I had thought. Maybe I'm just a fool.

Last night, the Christmas lights fell.

Stop Me if You Think You've Heard This One Before

It's early - before the butt crack of dawn, and I'm running on pure caffeine. Came in around 3am to co-teach a class, but instead, I was pulled away to fight major fires on the floor. For the past hour, I've been running from area to area putting on bandages where the blood was gushing. Got the constraint up and running, which was a major accomplishment for production, since we are knee deep in the busy season. Major case of nostaglia today, taking me back to the days when I got called in during the wee hours to help push product out the door. Once again, they've been fooled into thinking I'm some miracle worker. Ha.

So if you can actually relate to this rambling and like to play with polymers, drop me a line. I've got a job for you.

Love to Hate You

Why is that I allow people to treat me as if my feelings are secondary to theirs? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Exploit me!", which can be interpreted to mean "yes, I will treat you like you're the most important person in the world, and you can do whatever you want, because I will always forgive you"? I have learned that a heart can only take so many beatings, so many tramplings, because eventually, it will not re-inflate to original size.

I suppose I should believe the best in people, believe that they are not out to hurt me, believe that they too just want to love and be loved. So is it safer to simply not trust anyone and be ultra careful about who I open the door to? Or should I naively prop the door open and welcome anyone who crosses the threshold? I guess discernment is the best answer to this age old dilemma. I had better listen more intently to what God whispers in my ear, since I have either chosen not to listen or subconsciously disregarded His counsel. Gosh, I will I had come to this revelation earlier in my life.

Blasphemous Rumors

Awaiting my lunch date outside an obscure Japanese joint, God pulled a fast one on me. Thinking we're all, as the Chinese say, "clever", we planned to meet up before noon to beat the lunch crowd. So as I approach the front door, I see a girl carrying groceries, happily walking, minding her own business. We exchange polite glances and continue on our merry ways, me to the front door, and she wherever the sidewalk was leading. But then she stops, swings her bags around to face me, and says, "Annie?" Stunned, I search my files for common girls names to fit her face. Oh my gosh, it's the girlfriend who turned my Zoloft needing friend into a "the sun will come out tomorrow" crooner! After swapping small talk about jobs, houses, and the weather, I am struck by a 10 second pang of guilt for writing my first blog entry. Doesn't last long, but it's enough to make me record the encounter here.

God had way too much fun with me today.

Welcome to the Real World

The number of people who walk across your welcome mat and are lucky enough to be invited into your home is amazing. Just think about the various faces that have come and gone and have touched your life in one way or another. And as exciting as that sounds, I have become somewhat weary and unfortunately jaded about responding to the doorbell. The energy I need to expend to stop what I'm doing, get up, walk to the door, unlock it, and give another person a piece of my day is sometimes just too much.

In the last three years, I have been burned by the solicitor at my door three times. Close friends bearing gifts of fellowship, pockets of surprise fun, and a sense of security even when your heart is wide open have come to turn their backs on the scarce commodity of true friendship. One friend had a baby, and I can understand the dramatic life change that can isolate you from many, but not returning phone calls and emails for almost two years? And how about the one who dropped folks like last season's J.Crew catalogue when he got his first girlfriend? Nevermind having the life sucked out of us keeping him out of the clinical depression pit on a daily basis. Heck, we even held a prayer meeting for him. I guess throwing him a birthday lunch and giving him a gift isn't motivation enough to invite a "hey, how are you?" email in the year following. And now another falls prey to the smothering demands of a new girlfriend.

ROI = zero, nil, nada, zilch, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200, you lose.

Time to disable my doorbell.